I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
