you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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