so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I deserve this hangover.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
