We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
