So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize