update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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