We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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