i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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