Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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