In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
