It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
