You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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