last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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