my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
