maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
