I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
