If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Edward fifth and chaser hands
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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