fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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