Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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