Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's official drugs can't kill me
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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