It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
