Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
