when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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