I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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