my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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