I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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