I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
