What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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