remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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