how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
