WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize