I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Who died my cat blue again?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize