apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
