The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
