I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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