I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
