Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
