I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
