drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
