his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
