I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I still have a little drunk in my system
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
