if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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