is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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