alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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