I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
