fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
