you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
