Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
