one might say we're banned from that church
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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