I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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