Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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