I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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