Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
