Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
