I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
