I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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