I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is Oprah even human
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
