You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
