last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
