i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have tasted many bathrooms
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
