I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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