our cab driver is having phone sex.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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