Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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