my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
