White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
