Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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